?By Omar Bihmidine
Morocco World News
Sidi Ifni, August 27, 2012
A dowry (mahr) is something a man has to pay to his wife as a sign that he desires to get married to her and assume responsibility for their married life. Most of the time, it is usually in the form of money that wives need to buy their clothes and other necessary items on the occasion of marriage. In nearly all Muslim marriages, for men who are on the verge of getting marriage, paying a dowry is a duty. What remains questionable, however, is the amount of the dowry and the value of it in the society men live in.
In Moroccan society, for instance, no groom is allowed to get married without offering his bride a dowry. Sometimes, the value of the dowry doesn?t matter. What matters is that the dowry is there.
Many Moroccans, the educated in particular, usually stress that men should get married for love and not for any materialistic reasons. Questioning the practice of the dowry on the proposal day and giving it the importance it doesn?t deserve is a sign that marriage is no longer based on love and sacrifice but on materialism and showing-off.
Certainly, this doesn?t necessarily mean that the dowry is of no value. This simply means that broaching the dowry on proposal day must never be exaggerated to the extent that we forget what marriage as a noble institution is about in the first place.
?I am ready to offer a dowry of MAD 5,000 to my bride,? I once told my family out of innocence. My statement, at which they instantly burst into laughter, set me thinking what is the matter with my offered dowry. I immediately enquired and was told that the amount is too meager to satisfy the needs of today?s brides.
As far as my intentions are concerned, I always thought that a dowry is just symbolic and needs not making a fuss over. What I thought I should focus more on is the responsibility I am going to assume upon marriage and the real needs I need to meet the minute I set foot in the noble institution. As for a dowry, I thought it is just a symbolic entrance to a new life.
Notwithstanding, from the religious point of view, we find out that the Quran is consoling in regards to this.
Allah says in the Holy Qur?an:
{Wa aatoo an-nisaa?a saduqaatihinna nihlatan?}
{And give the women their dowries with a good heart?} An-Nisaa:4
This quranic verse is proof that paying the dowry is an obligation. The question that, thus, ?arises is just because the dowry is obligatory, then are we not free to decide on the amount of dowry and blame those who can?t afford it for breaking one of the principles of a marriage contract? Of course not!
Some families, however, blame the suitors, either in private or in public, for not paying an ample dowry to their daughters, forgetting that Islam, which necessitates the existence of a dowry just before marriage, also exonerates those who are only able to offer a meager one.
For the latter, they hold that a happy married life doesn?t necessarily emanate from an ample dowry. For them, life after marriage is what counts most. Countless are those who offered their wives ample dowries, but they ended up divorcing, and countless are those who offered their symbolic dowries, but they ended up being among the happiest couple ever.
In this regard, our prophet PBUH in the meantime didn?t oblige poor brides to exert themselves when paying the dowry. The prophet once said to a poor companion who wanted to marry, ?Iltamis wa lau khaatiman min hadeed?? ? ?Search for something, even if it is just a ring made from iron.? Bukhari & Muslim
Regrettably, many Muslim communities are obsessed with many misconceptions in their lives, among which is the issue of the dowry. Many grooms have been embarrassed with the question of how much their dowry ?weighs?. For some families, if it weighs heavy, then the groom would be a good a husband, whereas if it weighs light, then the groom is a mere poor husband. In reality, this is how many families think and behave towards suitors; they think short-term, forgetting about what is most important, the life after marriage.
In some Muslim societies, we are stunned to learn that some rich families demand larger-than-life dowries. Lower-class or even middle-class suitors can not surpass or compete with their high-class counterparts who are ready to offer millions.
In such societies, women are treated as merchandise that must be given to the suitor who pays more. Noble values and principles of marriage are totally absent, which makes life difficult for the poor suitors who can not stand higher chances of marrying whoever they love.
During negotiations with the bride and her father over the value of dowry, some brides must remember to make sure that when then they are saying yes to the family of the groom, they must not be saying no to themselves.
According to Islamic traditions, the value of dowry must always go hand in hand with the man?s means. Otherwise, we would be living in a world where the fittest and richest grooms survive and marry the prettiest of the pretty. I am afraid we are already living that, are we not?
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